lqb2weekly special edition: where are the men? and the crush life manifesto
where are the men?
this is a question my friend, danielle, has been asking for years. earlier this year, she published an essay about it in the crush life manifesto.
Essays, propaganda, chaotic AI artwork; Crush Life Manifesto is a year-long book project by Danielle Coates-Connor. Raw, exposed, ferocious, and bold, this body of work explores connection and belonging. It is slow and persistent…
i have really wanted to share her writing with folks so much so that i almost facilitated a whole 2h workshop on the essay a few months ago! that ended up feeling like not exactly the right move on that day so here we are, with me still wanting this essay to get in front of more and more people! here’s the first few paragraphs of the essay and a little piece bit of my response…
Where Are the Men?
by Danielle Coates-Connor
"If we don't do our work we become work for other people."
- Lama Rod Owens*
This question, where are the men, involuntarily came to me during 7-days of silent meditation. Not the analytical process of understanding how the society is structured, more an undesired remembering in my body and consciousness of assault, in all of its forms. Where are the men? Allowing myself to grieve.
Butch, bitch, bulldog, man-hater. Real things I’ve been called by angry men.
Sitting with the disappointment. Strong enough to hold rage, withstand an assault. Keep it moving.
Where are the men?
These men, the sneakiest ones, stand at the front of the room and put themselves forward as an example of how things should be. They pursue their desires and see themselves as forces of good in the world, running countries, companies, organizations, financial systems, families. Men in their heads, baby boys in their bodies. Like teenage boys, smashing mailboxes and speeding off into the night. Restitution in some cases, usually not. It’s exhausting. Do they even know how much emotional work people are doing in the wake of them?
Saying that is dangerous, depending who you are.
Where are the men? There is no point to prove. Except for the new generations, I don't need to teach them. I don't need to protect them, not the grown ones. I don't need to hold space for them when I can't. Releasing that burden, and opening to my desire. Letting go.
Where are the men? Too many women cry about their beloved men who lack emotional maturity. Too many women are afraid to share their deepest desires with the person who they love the most. If all hours spent thinking about how to communicate to fragile men were reallocated to something generative, imagine the possibilities.
Where are the men? Strong stories arise as I sit in the meditation, crying. Silent in the lunch line, images of disappointing men who abused me, betrayed me, inflicted harm and pain on me. I shift my attention to love. Who are the men who love me? My mind is blank. I think of one, then another. Do they love me? A walk in the woods, the first day since fall outside with no jacket. A couple more men, remembering. Yes. I trust myself, and them. The sun through
the trees, sitting on an a mossy boulder allowing the pain to release.
Where are the men? Long meditation retreat, silent. I ask again, mind shifting. Walking behind someone slow in the corridor, the urge to hurry. Slowing down. The men are sick, back to the beginning of time in some lineages. Sick from being told they should not feel. Sick from not having the space and time to develop their emotions. Sick from needing to survive in the external world, lacking the heart capacities to fully be present in this moment. Healthy men needed.
Mind won’t quit, it is loud. The men are sick from patriarchy. I sit with it, I feel for them, I know. And I have a moment of realization that I am not sick. I am free… (click here to read on)
and here’s a snippet of my response:
…I've heard the question from you, “what do you all do in men's group? Like, what is happening?”
And I think some of the energy of that question is, why are you all not better yet? That's my interpretation. And the thing that came up when you and I were talking the other day is, at least many of the men in the men's groups that I've been in, we are learning to feel our feelings. And that's obviously extremely remedial behavior, or it's an extremely remedial need, but it's a need because of what patriarchy has done.
You know this, but the way patriarchy functions is to disconnect men from their feelings via their bodies, often as children, via dissociation…
are you feeling sufficiently teased?!
if so, here are my asks for you:
if you are into what you see above, get yourself a copy (or two) of the crush life manifesto! it’s $22 and worth every penny. you can read the full essay and see all the other related pieces connected to it. there’s so many other juicy bits in there, including the actual philosophy about crush life which is just so ooey-gooey-delicious.
the second most important thing: read the where are the men? essay over here: https://www.crushlifemanifesto.com/watm. if it resonates, share with a friend or two.
i have a next newsletter that will include some thoughts about the election results and i’ll send that out at some point soon-ish but for now, i hope you enjoy this little tidbit from a dear friend, collaborator, and teacher of mine!
🌊🏄🏾♂️
ps - i found out while me and danielle were having our back and forth about ‘where are the men?’ that my beloved also was sharing his own thinking with her. that’s included in the fall edition, too. i think that makes this unintentionally our first public collaboration? 🥺
pps - as i was putting this together, i was reminded of brian stout’s 3-part piece: why does patriarchy persist? in a way, it feels like where are the men? and brian’s piece are in conversation…
thanks for sharing Danielle's piece; definitely resonates. Indeed, that question (where are the men) was a key takeaway from a convening I just attended on relational repair (I framed it as "men are missing in action": https://citizenstout.substack.com/p/what-does-it-take-to-repair). You and I both know why, and I think we are only just now getting to a point where we as a culture may be prepared to do something about it. Questions like Danielle's give me hope that we're ready to lean into it with the care, intentionality, and rigor it deserves.
Thanks for re-upping the "why does patriarchy persist" series. I feel like taking that question seriously opens up so much possibility and potential for solidarity.
hey @Brian Stout it would be great to talk to you and @lawrence barriner ii and other men you know from your work. would you like to help organize a call that would help shape future crush life manifestos?